heyy
so i officially can say that my break sucked.
i sat around and did nothing, saw no one, had a huge face...good times.
im kinda happy to back to school, im just so freakin bored.
blehhhhhhhh

wisdom teeth suck ugh.
so today is the 3rd day and my face is gigantic,
and i was in SO much pain when i woke up this morning. ugh.
i wish i could go shopping today haha, but thats pretty much out of the picture.
my thanksgiving consisted of a small bowl of mac and cheese. mm.
well thats all.
hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!

Best
1. Male friend: James, Erik, Matt, and Kyle
2. Female friend: Allie, Tayler, Kelly, Erin, and Lauren
3. Vacation: the european cruise or 8th grade europe trip

Worst
1. Time of day: 7 30ish when schools about to start
2. Day of the Week: Mon or Tues
3. Food: tomatoes. sick.
4. Memory: dunno.

LAST
1. Person you saw: Dad
2. Talked to on the phone: Mom
3. Text: Allie
4. IMed: Hmm Allie too i think.
5. Messaged over Myspace: haha Allie

FIRST
1. Boyfriend/girlfriend: Aw Erik Veroff :]
2. Kiss: beginning of 7th grade
3. Pet: Bamba
4 Home: Same as now
5. Love: hmm Zach??

Today
1. What are you doing now: dreading tmw and listening to some music.
2. Wearing: my uggs, jeans and a sweater. mm comfortable
3. Better than yesterday: hm no better, no worse.
4. Got any plans: psh sitting at home until the wisdom teeth get better.
5. Dislikes about tomorrow: i've told you like 5 times already. wisdom teeth for sure.

Favorite
1. Number: 27 or 1
2. Song: Everytime i hear your name -Keith Anderson
3. Color: pink
4. Season: summer

Currently
1. Missing someone: dunno
2. Mood: tired but ok
3. Wanting: this whole wisdom teeth thing to be over with haha.

True or False:

I am a cuddler: true
I am a morning person: false!
I am a perfectionist: false
I am an only child: false
I am currently in my pajamas: falso
I am currently single: true
I am currently suffering from a broken heart: true
I am addicted to myspace: true
I am online 24/7: false
I am very shy around the opposite gender: false
I can be paranoid at times: true
I currently regret something that I have done: false
When I get mad, I curse frequently: true
I enjoy country music: true
I enjoy jazz music: false
I love smoothies: true
I enjoy talking on the phone: false
I have a crush: dunno
I have a hidden talent: not really haha, i dunno.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal: true
I have a tendency to fall for the wrong guy/girl: true

sometimes trying to hold it all together is harder than watching it all fall apart.

oh gosh
so my dad and i went to the gym this morning and decided to go to starbucks after. guess whos there...
josh and his dad.
most awkward thing of my life.
his dad said hi to me, my dad said hi to him...but we didn't say hi to each other. that was beyond weird. then i started getting shakey and nervous and hot and i really wanted to get out of there. ugh. its insane whats his done to me, and its not ok.
i dont think ill ever be able to talk to him again.
ok
but last night was fun! i saw saw 3 with the band kids (me being the only non band kid there). saw was good...really gorry. but i liked it!
i really need to stay single right now. im not willing to get hurt or hurt someone else, but thats so hard to explain to people. i dont think anyone knows how bad i was hurt, and i dont even know why.
ugh.
tomorrow is going to be hell. i might be grounded for awhile.
bleh..loveee

bleh things are shitty.
d in math...so unlike me. im going to be in so much trouble, i dont even wanna know whats gonna happen... whatever though.
work is chill.
i dunno, things are bothering me lately. i feel so out of place with everyone...

Date:	2006-10-26 16:08
Subject:	love love love
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	nothing left to lose

wow i haven't written in this in awhile...
lauren gracey...your post was so nice! i agree with everything you said! i'm so glad i eat lunch with you now! its been far too long! hanging out this weekend yes??
ily and happy birthday tomorrow!!!
things have been pretty good lately...minus grades. f that.
josh and i are back to the ignoring stage which is where we need to be. i'm so much more content this way. i'm able to move on and not look back, but hopefully he doesn't start talking to me again. it sucks that it had to come to this, but i really do need to move on with my life.
so basically i'm just chillin for awhile. i feel no need to get my heart broken again or break someone elses heart. its definitely not worth it!
its funny how i have a few people that dislike me cause of this whole josh situation. i wonder how much shit he talks about me. sure i talk shit too, but i didn't really do anything to him. i wish people knew what i went through this summer with me. hes not the one who got his heart broken. its ridiculous. i guess there are two sides to every story.
so today was the 1 year and 2 day anneversary of my accident. its amazing what has happened since then. my life has changed so much thanks to that accident. i see things in a whole different way now. its amazing how the worst things in life help you change for the better.
well i think everyone is pretty happy right now...
i am so happy for kelly<3
and tayler, no matter what you choose to do ill be behind you<3
and yea. thats always a good thing.
well enough for now.
lovee<3

how do you make love go away?

sooo
homecoming= a month from yesterday...
why am i so stressed out about it?!
i dunno.
i need a date. i dont know who...but i need one.

schools ok. english is kicking my ass. same w/ spanish. shitttt.

so this weekend will be my first weekend off in i dont know how long...
yes! and allie's coming into town which is way exciting.
FDF tmw :]


i hope this weekend is fun.
this week was kinda long.

ttul!

ah im worn out.
school is stressful. i've honestly never had this much h/w every night and been so tired. im working out so much which makes me even more tired, but whatever.
stresssss.
wow so josh schmille came back to school today. i couldn't stop laughing. good times, good times...or not, but its still funny.
im still secretly in love with the same guy i was in 7th and 8th grade...weird?! very.
i just feel so crushed right now. if i was able to slow down and actually think about things then maybe id care a lot more, but i dont. im just trying to focus on all my school work and softball. it just makes things easier.
i sound so emo right now, its insane.
but the truth is, im still hurting...and i want something different in my life. something that makes me happy and makes me look forward to a boring day at school. something needs to change.
;ahdf;ahdf;haf
enough.

and this kills me more and more
that this is what i dreamt about.

this is what i wanted?

this summer hasn't been what anyone expected.
it's disappointing.
allie moved yesterday :[ pretty much blows.
now school is starting in a week and i have a feeling things will change rapidly, and i don't think it'll be for the better.
going to early id's just kind of showed me what i wasn't missing and how much i dislike la cueva. i'm done with the people there. sure there are people i love, but there are definitely a lot more that i dislike. i think i'd be so much happier at any other school...just to reestablish myself. i've known all these people since i was in 6th grade and the thing is at la cueva...you stay the same person that they first met. no one lets you change and accepts you. i don't know if this makes any sense, but i understand what i'm saying. basically i hate la cueva.
i want to meet new people.

a;sdhfa;hd enough.

Fin'lly got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates an' I quit drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts... Honky Tonks, restaurants.
An' seein' some of our old friends... it feels good to dance again.
An' I can fin'lly smell your perfume an' not look around the room for you.
An' I can walk right by your picture in a frame an' not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
An' it's the fifth of May, an' I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
An' nothin's changed, an' we're still same.
An' I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
An' I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips...
An' that's all it takes, an' I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life... everyone thinks she'd make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she's the one... reminds him of Mom when she was young,
But it's way too soon to be talkin 'bout rings; don't wanna rush into anything.
She's getting over someone too, kinda like me an' you.
An' she talks about him every once in a while, an' I just nod my head an' smile,
'Cause I know exactly what she's goin' through... yeah, I've been there too.

An' when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a "you were the only one for me",
Kinda thought, an' your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back but I still go back.
An' there we are, parked down by the riverside,
An' I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time,
An' that's all it takes, an' I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

that song is wonderful<3
so europe was amazing. i miss it :[ i met some awesome people from all over the world. things are fine back in NM. kaity is in town and thats been fun :] i love my friends!
school starts sooo soon. im pretty bummed about that. i dont know what to expect this year. usually i can tell whether ill have a good year or not, but this year seems unpredictable. i guess thats a good thing in a way. ill definitely make the best of it.

well enough for now. byeee.
:love:

leave.
now.
plese.

summer hasn't really improved.
i'm definitely feeling better about everything i've wrote in the past, so i guess thats the only improvment.
it's going by so so quickly and soon enough school will be starting. where the hell does time go?!
well i leave for europe in a week from tmw... 8 days... SO excited. Hopefully it'll just be a chance for me to clear my head, have fun, and you know...maybe see europe? Jk. but yea. i can't wait. hopefully that 10 hour plane flight will give me a lot of thinking time... i need it.

changes.
it's just hard to soak it all in.

Date:	2006-06-30 23:02
Subject:	pick me up love...everyday.
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	daveee

ah. im ready to move on. i'm sick of it already. i'm sick of feeling hurt.
it's the suckiest feeling ever. i never go to sleep knowing if i'll feel fine in the morning. it's always a mystery. fuck him. seriously, fuck him. why do i deserve this? why the fuck can't i get over this?
sure things aren't there between me and him any more and when i'm around him there's no attraction, but there's a huge part of me that's gone and me being the impatient person that i am, i just want to feel better now.
he's moved on. good for him. but i'm the one who got my heart broken, not him.
i'm ready to find someone new, someone better, someone to show me that he was not that great. that would be simply amazing.
i know he wasn't that great. if he was great we'd still be together. he told me so much bull shit and lied. i know i don't deserve that. i just read the last note he wrote to me and i just can't handle it because he told me everything i ever wanted to hear. i feel so naive that i ever believed any of it.
ahhh...
why do people long for relationships when they know they'll just get hurt in the end?
hmm... i'm one of those people, and im not sure.

wow guys suck.
i don't know what i'd do without my wonderful, gorgeous(haha good times) friends.
tonight was a lot of fun...sitting at starbucks laughing and joking around and listening to the dude play guitar on the drug deal chair...and tayler's flat tire. oh man. seriously i love them with all my heart. no matter how much drama, or fighting, or stupid crap, we're always there for eachother, and im pretty sure theres nothing more to ask other than that.
i have them to thank for everything... since 6th grade. its pretty awesome.
tayler-kelly-allie-erin. <3

but anyway...
thats all for now. i loveee you.

Its me and you, now.
I've been waiting.
Think I'm gonna make a move, now.
Baby tell me if you like it.
It's me and you, now.
I've been waiting.
Think I'm gonna make a move, now.
Baby tell me how you like it.

That song is catchy haha.

i dunno.
i don't feel like updating right now.
later.

Date:	2006-06-20 10:54
Subject:	the beating of your heart baby.
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

so i think things are looking up.
attraction=faded. thats a good thing i think. i dunno... it's weird how the feelings will always stay, but that attraction fades pretty quickly. Nothing is the same between me and him.
Kelly, we're proud of you. i wish you could see everything through our eyes. we're here for you and we want you to be happy. We want you to find someone who makes you truely happy ALL of the time. We don't like seeing you cry and fight and be upset. If we wanted that, we obviously wouldn't be your friends. We love you ok? Don't underestimate your strength. We all belive that you can do this, and you have us to fall back on.
Ah these past two weeks have shown me a lot about myself, my strength, my friends, my heart, and my life. I love learning about myself...
mmm...
enough!
:love:


You want nothing to do with me.
I don't know what to do with you.
Cause you don't know what you do to me.

so this morning has been the first morning ive woken and thought to myself that things would be ok... no tears or anything.
i love what a broken heart does to you. its such a horrible feeling that you have to experience in order to understand. it makes you go from an amazing high to an awful low and it makes you climb back up again.

ah josh and i ended up working out together yesterday. awkward? sort of. bad? not really. so much changed so drastically between us. i'm just another girl to him now. thats the hard part.
nothing ever changed for me. my feelings were still there...i guess his were too... and my mind was fully in our relationship. i guess thats why im so hurt.
but im feeling so much better!! i really am.

i started talking to this new guy. hes pretty chill haha...
all i want is a crush. someone to keep my mind off of things. lol. COOL!

so the past 3 nights we've had an american pie run through. those movies are halarious! it was fun!!
kelly leaves today! bummer!

so i think things are going to start changing drastically this week.
we'll see how that goes...

enough!! ily.

so then there are times where i just hit rock bottom... like this morning.
all i want is to feel ok... to smile, to stop crying.
and the thing is...
he cant know im upset, or else it shows that he has won...
and he hasn't
i know ill be fine,
but theres times like these where i just dont know if i can take it.
i dont know how people get over this, time and time again.
how can you just go from one relationship to another so quickly?
this is tearing me apart.
ill be ok though...
ill be ok.


im lame.